These pictures are so important to me. Look at them, please, and join me in appreciating the mothers that surround me in my life. My friends, my family are, or will be, such amazing mothers, in all senses of the word. For me, that means providing a safe and caring home, fostering creativity, encouraging courageousness and self actualization, love and kindness. Mothers who have or will help their children learn, fail and keep trying. Mother's Day recognizes these giant every day successes they make that otherwise go unnoticed. It IS important to have this day and recognize all types of mothers that exist. Also to recognize the various types of pain associated to this day. Amongst the women you see, there are mothers who have lost mothers, mothers who have suffered miscarriages, mothers who have lost children- this day is difficult for many people. It is also why I chose to only post this at the end of M Day; I do not want to take away from other's joy and other's pain, they are valid. I want to love and celebrate the women you see above. Here lies the double edged sword I feel at my throat: Mother's Day is one of my worst days of the year. I hate it. I want nothing to do with it. So there. Mother's Day and infertility is like showing up at a costume party with no costume on. You open the door, and like in a movie, the music stops, people stare. "Hey, where's your costume?" The same question over, and over and over...Only, the question is, "Do you have kids?" or "When are you going to have kids?". This is the song that never ends, and it will go on and on my friends... I sing this to my self after many such interactions because it really is never ending. Oh, and annoying. Loving posts showing smiling children hugging their mothers with handmade cards, flowers from husbands, brunches with grandparents. All of it special, and important, yes. To me, they are flashes of what my life should be, but isn't. Every single mention of the world Mother's Day on t.v, radio, in ads, billboards, signs, cards (I could go on), is a jab in the heart. I am in a constant tug of war with my emotions because while I appreciate the mother's in my life, while I want to shower them with love, I really just want to disconnect from the world and pretend as though it doesn't exsist. For me this is a day of grieving, a day that reminds me what I have lost and what I do not have. Many studies show that women and men who are going through infertility suffer the same effects of grief as someone who has lost a loved one, even without having experienced a miscarriage. From experience and from what others in have said, this grief often comes in short cycles, every month or few months and every time we see yet another negative pregnancy test. Every month for the last 2 1/2 years, I have felt loss of all kinds. Loss of a potential child, loss of control, loss of motherhood, loss of the body I used to have, loss of experiences, loss of what I thought my life would be. M Day, is a moment that brings all of these feelings crashing together. I wrote a short story, that I have debated posting on my blog, over a year ago. In that story I liken infertility to drowning while everyone is watching, smiling. Intense metaphor, yes....but truthful. What is the most difficult for me is often the messages society continues to attach to M Day. While I understand the sentiment, I believe that these messages are not positive for anyone, infertile or not. I've collected these problematic messages for you: - "Only a mother knows a mother's fondness" -"The only love I believe in is a mother's love" -"No one loves like a mother" -"You have no purpose until you have become a mother" -"Life does not begin until you are a mother" - "Becoming a mother is the greatest thing I will ever do" and so on... While I completely understand the spirit of these quotes, they really do nothing to help mothers or anyone else who may not be a mother. Like mother's really needs to hear, again, how their entire identity is wrapped up in their children and are serving no other purpose. Like those who have chosen not to have children need to hear, again, how they have chosen not love and not to have a "complete life". Like those of us with infertility need to hear, again, how we are failing and that our "life will not begin" or might never "begin" because we can't be mothers no matter how hard we try. Did you know that most women dealing with infertility avoid going out in public on this day? I did. Except that I had to run to the store because, as usual, I forgot something on my list. I walked through the isles hurriedly, not making eye contact. Even with this technique, I was wished "Happy Mother's Day!" three times. Every single time, was painful and awkward. I should say: I suffer from infertility, I don't have any children...but I couldn't. I smiled (I think) and said "Thanks!". It does help me to think of the important mothers in my life, it gives me joy to know that they feel appreciated and loved. However, please be kind to yourself my fellow infertility sisters, remember that YOU ARE ENOUGH. You love as deeply as anyone else, and you are worth just as much. Hug those animals in your life because, as much as people like to joke, they are our babies and without them I am not sure how I could get through this without their love. To those with friends or family dealing with infertility, we do not ask you to stop posting those cute pictures, we do not ask you stop gushing about your children. Perhaps what I am asking is think about the way you are framing your statements: is it doing justice to yourself as an individual, others who have a different situation than yours? More importantly however, have in your thoughts those people who are not as lucky as you are, truly appreciate what you have. Maybe send them a message or just give them a hug. As always, love is always the answer, and making sure they know it is even more important on these types of days. Articles: Grieving and Growing by Beth Jaeger-Skigen (RESOLVE) - https://goo.gl/FA9EsG Infertility and Mother's Day Coping Strategies by Fertility Authority- https://goo.gl/MR9b8D
1 Comment
Marie-France
5/14/2018 04:36:43 pm
Our fur babies are Just as important ❤️! Lucy has the best mama! Love you! 😘
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Author:Sara Collins has always had a passion for writing. Writing song lyrics for the Backstreet Boys, Short Stories, Poetry, and big chunks of half finished novels. Now she is proud to share her writing around her experiences in infertility. Archives |