(LOTR fans, please tell me you get this). Here is part II of our 3 part trilogy. If you havent read part one read it here: Infertility Wars This part begins possibility the darkest and most difficult part of my journey. Although, remember, as I write this my journey is not yet done. Perhaps the Gods are looking down laughing and shaking their heads, knowing what is to come. I will continue in my blissful innocence and look back at this time with reflection and appreciation for the difficult times this period brought to my life. It isn't that things are not not difficult right now, actually, treatments have become more of everything (more money, time, pain), but this time period was difficult emotionally. I look back and feel thankful for the the work I have put into my mental health and thankful to the various resources, and online communities that helped me get through.
This moment ended only 8 months ago, yet it feels like centuries ago. Writing this, it is as though I am writing not about me, about my experiences, but of a fictional character from one of my writings. That is a testament to just how altering these experiences can be, infertility will twist you until you are unrecognizable to yourself. Surprisingly, often the growth I have experiences through this has been positive, if we are looking for silver linings. However, the moment in time of which I am writing is one where I never thought of the word "good", "positive" or "silver linings", things were dark, and I was really in a bad place. In Part 1 we left off with my first appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist at my fertility clinic. The visit was calm and his personality fit with ours, as we sat there going over various test results, our medical histories I thought : "This man is going to get us pregnant" (SPOILER HE DOESNT). Then very quickly a wrench is thrown- "Let's look at this biopsy you had with Dr.Gyno...humm...did he go over these with you?" "Uh, no..." I answer actually forgetting completely that I had a quick biopsy of my uterus. "Well... are you sure he didn't go over any results with you? You didn't get a call from their office or anything?" "No..." I look over at my husband worried. "Ok. Well, results have come back and it's something I am not quite sure about." WHAT. "So... I'm just going to look on my computer here...I've got this google for doctors thing and then I can tell you more. But in the 30 years I have been doing this, this is the first time I see this!" Of course - of course there is something else. Something weird, like an episode of House. There are actually no thoughts running through my mind, I am stunned but also I still have no idea what this could be. After a few minutes of reading various sources of information, my RE still does not seem sure of what he is reading in my file. "So...from what I am reading here, it is a very rare abnormality in the cells...but it doesn't seem like you have any of the other factors that would indicate you have this condition, expect for this biopsy. So it could be cancer or it could be nothing. It's probably nothing, but let's take a biopsy right now to make sure." Not something anyone wants to hear during their first visit at a fertility clinic, or ever. It took almost two months before I heard back from them with the results of that second biopsy. TWO MONTHS where I walked around with what I felt was a ticking time bomb in my uterus. Never mind any thoughts or hopes about trying to create life, was I going to have to save my own? Of course I thought the worst. Of course this added to all the anxiety and stress we were already feeling. This is something I have shared with no one, and I am happy I chose to keep it to myself. The biopsy did come back normal, and I opted for a third one just to be sure, and it was also 100% normal. Finally, we were able to get to the reason we were at the clinic in the first place. The frustrating part is jumping through all the hoops, some that were already jumped through. Tests, bloodwork, samples, routine meds just to double check. Again, we did a few cycles of letrozole only to no success- it should be helping my body ovulate but, it wasn't. The next step in treatments is the Intrauterine Insemination or IUIs. For me this relatively "easy" procedure was coupled with Gonal-F that injected once a day for almost two weeks, and a "Trigger" shot (ovidrel) to bring on ovulation. The IUI itself is no more than a regular pap test where they inject the sperm, however my experience through these three unsuccessful IUI were very difficult. I did three back to back cycles, in the winter months of northern Alberta. Everything was piling on and I was really struggling every day during these months with depression, hopelessness and exhaustion. The medications I was on helped to make my depression worse, coupled with the fact that we were shouldering the burden on our own. I felt like it was a secret I had to keep, one I didn't want anyone to know. I was still learning about infertility, about pcos about this entire world that has existed parallel to mine all along. However what really brought things over the edge was the extra burden of distance from our clinic. The 3 hours to the clinic and 3 hours back was done approximately 5-7 times in the 3 weeks around the treatment and monitoring for each IUI cycle. Every other day, or every two days while taking Gonal-F, I would wake up at 4am, leave my house by 430-5am and drive to my clinic for a 5 minute ultrasound to check the progress and growth of my follicles. I would get bloodwork and by noon or later I would make the trip back home. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. One morning I woke up to a really bad snow storm. I had to go in or risk the cancelation of this cycle that I have already put so much time, and money in! Taking the back roads that were not yet plowed, the snow on the road was so deep that it was almost impossible to drive through. On I went. I stopped at one point, in the middle of nowhere, no house, or car in sight for hours, in waist deep snow, crying in my car. Was this worth it? How much longer could I do this? (turns out another year at least...). How much money were we throwing away to a treatment that has such a low success rate (every IUI costs 300$, plus gas, plus parking, plus the meds that were no longer covered because I maxed out my insurance coverage with one single week's worth of meds...). Somehow I made it on time and drove back after the appointment on freshly plowed streets. Looking back now, I should have taken a break between each cycle. I should have taken a medical leave so that my students didn't suffer and so I didn't have to risk my life in snow storms every other day. But infertility is a race against the clock. One month off is one less chance. One month off is means I am one month older and further from where I want my life to be. This period of time was dark in all senses of the word. None of those IUIs were unsuccessful (I didn't even ovulate for at least one of them). Every unsuccessful cycle brought a mourning period and instead of allowing myself to heal, I jumped into another treatment, in the dark snowy months. Eventually I decided to seek help not only from my therapist (who has been so wonderful, and understanding as she herself has dealt with infertility and now leads a childless life) but it is also when I started to connect with other women through a podcast : Matt & Doree's Eggcellent Adventure and also the amazing community on instagram. Those four things are key to where I am today mentally and emotionally.
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Author:Sara Collins has always had a passion for writing. Writing song lyrics for the Backstreet Boys, Short Stories, Poetry, and big chunks of half finished novels. Now she is proud to share her writing around her experiences in infertility. Archives |